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When couples need extra help in their marriage

There is something about a Canadian spring that makes me want to garden. After a long, cold, restricting winter, it’s hard to resist the beautiful colours of the annuals on display at the store or the fresh green blades of grass as they burst forth all around my yard. This rush of excitement and euphoria must be carefully thought through, though. You see, planting in spring means nurturing, weeding and tending all summer long if I want a garden that brings me delight. Similarly, marriage usually starts with lots of excitement and warm sentiments toward a spouse in those honeymoon years or months, but a marriage that is not nurtured and prioritized soon becomes a chore we cannot easily get out of without hurting the ones we love.

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Book Review: Trust by Dr. Henry Cloud

Dr. Henry Cloud is an acclaimed leadership expert, clinical psychologist and New York Times bestselling author. He has written 45 books, with the Boundaries series probably being the best known. But his latest book entitled Trust may be, in my opinion, his finest or at least one of his most important offerings to date.

The book is almost 300 pages but isn’t weighed down with theory and research that you have to slog through. It’s a practical resource on the importance of trust, and why it’s essential in life, leadership and business.

Over the years Dr. Cloud realized this theme of trust was occurring repeatedly in both his clinical work and in his role as a business coach with CEOs and leadership teams. So, it would be fair to say, Trust has been in the works for decades, quietly taking shape behind the scenes.

As a pastor for over 35 years and now in my role at Focus on the Family Canada, I concur with Dr. Cloud when he writes, “Trust is a key component in every relationship we have.” He goes on to say, “Trust is the fuel for all of life. Nothing in life works without it.”

I think this is one of the reasons why the book resonated so deeply with me. This topic of trust permeates every area of our lives. We want it in our marriage, in our friendships, in our churches, at work and around the board table. Many guests who’ve attended a Kerith Retreat have openly shared about relationships where trust has been broken and they are left wondering how they can rebuild it – or if they even want to try. This book is a timely guide to help them answer those questions.

In this book, Dr. Cloud breaks his material into five sections:

  1. Trust makes life work
  2. The five essentials of trust
  3. Growing in trust
  4. The model for repairing trust
  5. Moving forward

I’ve chosen one or two quotes from each section that were important takeaways for me:

Section 1: Trust makes life work

“We can become better and better at knowing who is trustworthy and who is not. And we can get better at deciding when and with whom we will put ourselves at risk.”

Section 2: The five essentials of trust

“Trust begins not with convincing someone to trust you; it starts with someone feeling that you know them.”

Section 3: Growing in trust

“Remember, trust is the key to life, and the way to have a full life is not only to find trustworthy people, but to be able to enter into relationships with them well.”

“But we do have to acknowledge that sometimes, I cannot trust very well because of my own issues with trust. The great news is that a torn or defective trust muscle can be repaired.”

Section 4: The model for repairing trust

“Trusting again is an open-eyed, informed decision based on good, objective criteria. You will need solid reasons to trust again.”

“When you choose to trust again, begin with little steps.”

Section 5: Moving forward

“Being able to talk about something that bothers us, quickly, keeps problems from growing larger and prevents us from trusting people who are not trustworthy.”

“Learning not to repeat mistakes of misplaced trust is about learning from experience. This is called wisdom.”

Let me add that Dr. Cloud makes it clear that repairing trust is not clean and orderly. As he explains, “[People will] cycle back and forth through these stages in a messy process. At the same time, it is important to not skip steps.” He is also very clear that sometimes when trust is broken you work through the steps to only repair your trust muscle and maybe not to repair the fractured relationship.

In one sentence I think Dr. Cloud’s book can be summed up by its subtitle: “Trust is knowing when to give it, when to withhold it, how to earn it and to fix it when it gets broken in life and business.”

Trust for me will be a handbook that continues to offer both candid truth and hope-filled possibilities.

If you’re one of those people who is making a list of the must-read books in 2024, I highly recommend you put Trust by Dr. Henry Cloud on the top of the list.

 

Marshall Eizenga is one of the program directors at the Alberta Kerith Retreats location with his wife, Merrie. For more information about our retreats, visit KerithRetreats.ca.

© 2024 Focus on the Family (Canada) Association. All rights reserved.
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Why your church needs a care ministry (and how Hope Made Strong can help)

Let’s be honest: ministry can be tough. Between sermons, meetings, counselling sessions, and the never-ending to-do list, it’s easy to feel stretched thin and forget about one of the most important aspects of our calling: caring for our flock.

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Ensuring Christmas remains the most wonderful time of the year

Christmas used to be my favourite time of year. As a child and even into my young adult years, Christmas meant family time. It meant vacation. Christmas was about the never-ending stream of amazing meals, baked goods and festivities. There was list of movies to watch and there was the music, of course, which played on a continual loop in the background. It was – at one point – quite literally the most wonderful time of year.

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Why psychological safety is essential for leading teams

When I became a lead pastor in 2008, after 20 years as an associate pastor, I knew I had a lot to learn about leading a large staff team. So, rather than trying to figure everything out on my own, I reached out to one of my board members for some help. Her job, with a well-known corporation, was working with numerous, diverse teams to show them how to have more effective staff meetings which, in turn, would lead to increased productivity for her company.

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Assessing the value of Kerith Retreats: Summary of a doctoral study

The demands that are regularly experienced by pastoral leaders can be overwhelming and soul draining. Studies have shown that the past three to four years have been particularly difficult for most ministry leaders. Today’s leader may find him or herself weary, discouraged and joyless. Yet this is not a post-pandemic phenomenon – King David modelled a godly appeal for divine assistance (a model we attempt to highlight as part of the Focus on the Family Canada’s Kerith Retreats).

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How to love yourself as you love others

“Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” (Matthew 22:37-39)

Have you ever heard the phrase, “Pastors are people, too”? For the parishioner, this refrain invites them to remember the humanity of those who shepherd them in their churches. It suggests that their pastors are liable to struggle with the same issues that your average person does – a helpful reminder for them to consider easing off on their demands as they consider that their pastor has other things going on.

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Raising “drafted” kids on the mission field

My mum has always said, “We were called; they were drafted.”

Raised by full-time missionaries, my brothers and I grew up knowing that my parents had been called by God to the life we lived in Quito, Ecuador. I, however, certainly felt drafted! It was not my choice to leave my beloved grandparents in Canada for the mountains of Ecuador. I did not feel “called” to live in a house with bars on the windows, nor did I choose to endure earthquakes, military coups or tear gas drills at school. And I certainly did not feel “called” to live with lizards in my bed or scorpions in the bathroom!

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Reasons I avoided going to a retreat and what I learned when I went

It was 1988 and I was waiting on the tarmac, wondering what it would be like to fly in a 737. I was nervous. I waited until the passenger in the assigned seat next to me sat down and I started a conversation. I was trying to find a distraction, something that would take my mind off the trip, something that would relax me. It didn’t take long for my new friend to take me up on the conversation. Turns out she had a distraction: it was liquid form in a small bottle. She consumed a few of them and it seemed to work for her. For myself, I had no interest in numbing my reality, but rather doing my best to embrace my first flight on a large aircraft. I had been on a smaller plane once before and all was good. Although the bank turns made me grip my seat to make sure I would not fall out of the aircraft. Funny how it made me feel a little more secure. Knees knocking, hands folded to pray, conversation happening with my neighbour who by now had a hard time keeping quiet – I was just nervous to fly. What would make me muster up the courage to get on this flight if I was nervous and afraid?

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When forced, unexpected termination comes knocking

I sat quietly and listened as the pastor shook his head in both grief and bewilderment. He was desperately trying to make sense of his unexpected, forced termination from the church he had pastored and loved. To add insult to injury, he grieved that there was no effort for a biblical resolution, which, in his opinion, would have addressed some of the issues that the board threw on the table for his dismissal. It was painful to watch as the reality of what he was facing washed over him.

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