You might not think about it too much, but you probably have some expectations about how your future is going play out. If you are currently physically healthy, you are likely expecting to live to a ripe old age. If you are gainfully employed, you expect to keep your job. If you have children, you expect them to someday marry and give you grandchildren. Maybe you are single and expect to one day be married. These are often part of the natural trajectory of life – but not always.

Being a pastor can be like that. As a counsellor who works with the Clergy Care Network, a part of Focus on the Family Canada’s counselling department, I talk with struggling pastors nearly every day from a variety of denominations across Canada. One of the most common refrains I hear from these pastors is that their experience in their vocation is not lining up with what they expected it to be.

Now, some of these expectations might strike you as being unbelievable, and some of them might be relatable. I have repeatedly heard these, both explicitly and implicitly, from pastors:

• The institution of the church is in unique partnership with God, therefore success – however we may define it – is likely, perhaps even guaranteed.
• Me, my coworkers and my parishioners will be united in our mission.
• What I am feeling about my church and ministry is an accurate depiction of what God is really doing.
• If there are obstacles, setbacks or even failures, that is a sign of God’s withdrawal or abandonment.
• If my sermon is “good,” people will tell me.

Expectation versus reality: Randy’s experience

“Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange is happening to you.” (1 Peter 4:12)

Bad things happen, and they hurt, but the pain can be larger than it needs to be due to the expectations we carry into ministry. What if we could do some preparatory work before trials arrive to ensure we feel what we need to feel when things are hard, but nothing more?

If we can adjust our expectations, let go of toxic and unrealistic perspectives, and take hold of a healthier set that is more reflective of truth – the reality of the world we live in – we may be better prepared to weather whatever storms come our way.

Randy is a Canadian pastor who is familiar with this process. He entered pastoral ministry decades ago following a clear call and with clear expectations, even if he did not know them at the time. He believed that it would get personal in the best way, that any conflicts would be solved maturely and prayerfully with, in his words, a “singular focus on the purpose and function of ministry.” In addition, Randy expected that at various intervals along the way there would be affirmation from the people he served and co-laboured with as an extension of God’s approval.

However, when inevitable conflict arose and the peaceful, united front did not develop, Randy became disappointed and disillusioned. “I was cautious of people,” Randy explains. “Even though they pleasantly greeted me, I believed they were secretly holding a knife behind their backs.”

For Randy, burnout was the result of this constant tension between himself and those he served and worked with – that and the tension between what he was experiencing and what he was expecting. The pain of that gulf was overwhelming. His burnout brought about a depression that he hid from, leading him to cope through unhealthy and sometimes addictive behaviour. He grew in his desire to control his environment, wanting to relieve the anxiety and fear he felt in his position. He became cynical, and on his worst days found himself sinking into bitterness. It was around this time that we began working together.

Here are some of the doubts that arose related to his fitness for ministry:

• God, did I hear you right? Clearly, I was wrong, and I was not meant to be in ministry.
• Surely, other pastors don’t deal with these types of issues.
• I just need to find a different ministry opportunity.
• Why didn’t someone tell me ministry was like this?

Dealing with the expectations: The necessary steps

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12:2)

Part of Randy’s journey of restoration has involved him challenging those expectations he now realizes were unrealistic. This is good and is a vital part of understanding why his struggle was as difficult as it was. Looking back, Randy believes quite strongly that if his expectations of ministry were more reflective of the truth, his response to inevitable adversity would have been tempered.

So, how do we go about working through those expectations ahead of time, or even, if necessary, after the fact? Here are some steps to developing a healthier perspective. They are straightforward in theory, but often difficult in practice.

1. Identify your expectations. This is the foundational step. As you step into ministry – or perhaps you are already in it – ask yourself what you are telling yourself about a) the church, b) yourself, and c) God in light of what you expect to see happen in your ministry experience. Write these expectations down – make them real; look at them. If you are having a hard time identifying them, think about your church experience as a young person, or recently. Many go into vocational ministry because their church experience was mostly positive. How might that effect your expectations of what is to come, or what has already happened?
2. Understand the implications of these expectations; in other words, what might you conclude if they aren’t met? For example, if I was to expect that I was to be united with my coworkers in all things, how would I interpret conflict, however small? Or consider an event – you plan and pray and fast prior to a children’s event in the summer, maybe even something as large as a Vacation Bible School, and only eight children sign up. Considering those expectations and subsequent disappointments, what might you start to then believe about a) the church, b) yourself, and c) God? Maybe you or your church background involved a lot of time meditating on verses like Jeremiah 29:11. How might that impact your expectations?
3. Reframe your identified expectations with thematically similar ones that are more realistic. If you need help, consider talking to someone close to you who you trust. It could be another pastor or a mentor. Or consider reaching out to Focus on the Family Canada’s Clergy Care Network and working through some of these with our counsellors.

I’ll give some examples below.

A healthier set of expectations

“It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everyone I send it.” (Isaiah 55:11)

To help you with the last step, I’ve gone through the process of reframing the expectations in the first section of this article. I hope these show you some examples of how to create a more balanced set of expectations for your own ministry:

• The institution of the church is in unique partnership with God, therefore success – however we may define it – is likely, perhaps even guaranteed. We will leave room for and trust the Holy Spirit, but we know that we are empowered to make choices, both good and bad. The institution of the church is an organization of flawed and hopefully growing humans who often make mistakes in those choices. Whether things go well is up to us – each of us. This is normal and to be expected.
• Me, my coworkers and my parishioners will be united in our mission. There are times where relationships will be strained not due to any mistakes, but rather differences in opinion on how things should be interpreted or on how things should be done. That does not mean we don’t have the same goal – we just disagree on how to get there. Figuring out how to move forward together in health is glorifying to God.
• What I am feeling about my church and ministry is an accurate depiction of what God is really doing. My feelings can sometimes be reflective of truth, but not always. Sometimes feelings develop because of false assumptions, expectations and misinterpretations. Sometimes you’re tired. Sometimes things in other areas of your life aren’t going well and they bleed into ministry. Just because something doesn’t feel good – and let’s face it, conflict doesn’t feel good – doesn’t mean that it can’t be used for God’s glory and purposes.
• If there are obstacles, setbacks or even failures, that is a sign of God’s withdrawal or abandonment. Due to the first expectation, we can expect then that sometimes things won’t go well. What if you and your board prayerfully consider a candidate for a pastoral position, dutifully checking all the boxes, and upon hiring they turn out to be manipulative and self-absorbed in their position? With all that prayer, how could we not spot it? How could God not reveal it? Failure, however we define it, is an incredible opportunity for growth. Obstacles aren’t an indication of God’s rejection – they are simply that: obstacles. God can use challenges. Obstacles will arise. An aspect of our growth and sanctification process is responding well during tough times.
• If my sermon is “good,” people will tell me. Most people tend to listen to sermons quietly and then go home. It’s unfortunate, but normal. In fact, the people who speak loudest are usually those who have complaints. You may hear more negative feedback than positive, but it doesn’t mean it wasn’t a solid message. Trust that God will use your words.

The goal is to identify our expectations, challenge them with a more realistic perspective, and remind ourselves of those expectations whenever necessary. Throughout it all, as Randy suggests, there should be the consistent discipling exercise of “humbly focusing and sincerely committing to a deep, personal, loving relationship with God.”

All of this takes time. Our expectations and pain tend to be drilled deep into our minds, so pulling them out isn’t an easy task. But we must meditate on truth – truth of the Word, and the truth that is a simple representation of the reality in which we live. We renew our minds in this way, and then immerse our hearts in truth. For Randy, this created a healthy “expectancy encouraged by the presence of the Holy Spirit. This expectancy defines a posture of submission to the power of the Holy Spirit to do the things we can’t.”

Balancing expectation, hope and reality

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

While expectation can set us up for pain, we don’t want to abandon the excitement we may have for what’s coming in this world and the next. While we want to temper our expectations, we certainly don’t want to temper our hope. What’s the difference?

“The crowd that waived palm branches when Jesus rode a donkey into Jerusalem had expectations of him,” Randy says. “Even the disciples who had spent three years following Jesus had expectations.”

For many, Jesus turned out to be a disappointment because he did not fit the picture of the Messiah they had expected; they wanted someone to liberate them from the Romans, yet he came to liberate them from the weight of sin and death. Their expectation didn’t match their reality, and so dictated their response.

In Randy’s case, this has involved coming to a place of acceptance that tension and pain are a part of life – and, by extension, his church ministry: “My expectations had no connection to the reality of what I was about to experience.”

After Randy invested a great deal of time and emotional energy into his own healing, he was able to come to a place of greater understanding – of himself, of the church, and of God, and how it all fits together. When talking about his trials, Randy adds, “How I view these has changed and continues to change. The anchor is accepting that God is so much greater than any combination of these life issues.”

That would be my prayer and hope for you. So please, clarify what you are expecting from your future and current ministry. Is the image you are seeing realistic, based on what you know of yourself, and others and God? Is it realistic based on how the world works? You may need to make some adjustments. But amid those renewed expectations, allow yourself to hope God, the one who is at work in it all, however painful it may often be.

 

Luke Campbell is a counsellor with Focus on the Family Canada and a lifelong PK.

© 2024 Focus on the Family (Canada) Association. All rights reserved.

Dr. Henry Cloud is an acclaimed leadership expert, clinical psychologist and New York Times bestselling author. He has written 45 books, with the Boundaries series probably being the best known. But his latest book entitled Trust may be, in my opinion, his finest or at least one of his most important offerings to date.

The book is almost 300 pages but isn’t weighed down with theory and research that you have to slog through. It’s a practical resource on the importance of trust, and why it’s essential in life, leadership and business.

Over the years Dr. Cloud realized this theme of trust was occurring repeatedly in both his clinical work and in his role as a business coach with CEOs and leadership teams. So, it would be fair to say, Trust has been in the works for decades, quietly taking shape behind the scenes.

As a pastor for over 35 years and now in my role at Focus on the Family Canada, I concur with Dr. Cloud when he writes, “Trust is a key component in every relationship we have.” He goes on to say, “Trust is the fuel for all of life. Nothing in life works without it.”

I think this is one of the reasons why the book resonated so deeply with me. This topic of trust permeates every area of our lives. We want it in our marriage, in our friendships, in our churches, at work and around the board table. Many guests who’ve attended a Kerith Retreat have openly shared about relationships where trust has been broken and they are left wondering how they can rebuild it – or if they even want to try. This book is a timely guide to help them answer those questions.

In this book, Dr. Cloud breaks his material into five sections:

1. Trust makes life work
2. The five essentials of trust
3. Growing in trust
4. The model for repairing trust
5. Moving forward

I’ve chosen one or two quotes from each section that were important takeaways for me:

Section 1: Trust makes life work

“We can become better and better at knowing who is trustworthy and who is not. And we can get better at deciding when and with whom we will put ourselves at risk.”

Section 2: The five essentials of trust

“Trust begins not with convincing someone to trust you; it starts with someone feeling that you know them.”

Section 3: Growing in trust

“Remember, trust is the key to life, and the way to have a full life is not only to find trustworthy people, but to be able to enter into relationships with them well.”

“But we do have to acknowledge that sometimes, I cannot trust very well because of my own issues with trust. The great news is that a torn or defective trust muscle can be repaired.”

Section 4: The model for repairing trust

“Trusting again is an open-eyed, informed decision based on good, objective criteria. You will need solid reasons to trust again.”

“When you choose to trust again, begin with little steps.”

Section 5: Moving forward

“Being able to talk about something that bothers us, quickly, keeps problems from growing larger and prevents us from trusting people who are not trustworthy.”

“Learning not to repeat mistakes of misplaced trust is about learning from experience. This is called wisdom.”

Let me add that Dr. Cloud makes it clear that repairing trust is not clean and orderly. As he explains, “[People will] cycle back and forth through these stages in a messy process. At the same time, it is important to not skip steps.” He is also very clear that sometimes when trust is broken you work through the steps to only repair your trust muscle and maybe not to repair the fractured relationship.

In one sentence I think Dr. Cloud’s book can be summed up by its subtitle: “Trust is knowing when to give it, when to withhold it, how to earn it and to fix it when it gets broken in life and business.”

Trust for me will be a handbook that continues to offer both candid truth and hope-filled possibilities.

If you’re one of those people who is making a list of the must-read books in 2024, I highly recommend you put Trust by Dr. Henry Cloud on the top of the list.

 

Marshall Eizenga is one of the program directors at the Alberta Kerith Retreats location with his wife, Merrie. For more information about our retreats, visit KerithRetreats.ca.

© 2024 Focus on the Family (Canada) Association. All rights reserved.