It’s not uncommon to hear someone say, “He’s such a narcissist.” This phrase has become widely used in pop culture especially when we refer to certain politicians, celebrities or public figures. Other times, we say it jokingly when a friend acts self-centred, proud or arrogant. It’s meant to be humorous, but, when you are working with someone who is narcissistic, it’s no laughing matter.

It may be a popular term, but narcissism is actually a diagnosable personality disorder called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).  Experts are saying that the number of pastors with this disorder is increasing in churches. Ministry offers power, influence and admiration and this is very appealing to the person with NPD. For those who work under him, it can be a minefield of hurt and frustration. The narcissistic pastor will leave a wake of hurt and broken relationships. Of course, not every pastor is a narcissist, but it is important to recognize the signs and to know what to do if you are being led by one.

Characteristics of a narcissistic pastor

(Please note that research show most narcissists are male so I will use the male pronoun in this article.)

In his book, When Narcissism Comes to Church¹, psychologist, pastor and spiritual mentor, Chuck DeGroat says there are six primary characteristics of a narcissistic pastor:

1. All decision-making centres on them. The narcissist has an intrinsic need for control, and he believes that no one can do the job/task as well as he can. It is important to him to have things go his way. So, if you work for a narcissistic pastor, he will seek your input but ultimately, he will make the final decision. And, if you challenge the narcissist’s decision, he sees it as disloyalty, and you may find yourself on the outside or even released from your job. There is no room for teamwork or anyone else’s vision. The narcissist desires ultimate control and he is afraid of what you might do to harm his reputation.
2. Lacking empathy and the ability to listen well to others. A narcissist lives to protect and promote themselves. There is a deep wound within a narcissist that he has vowed to never feel or reveal. He does not value emotion and since he is detached from his own feelings, he is unable to understand yours. This means he cannot show empathy. However, he is very good at appearing to be empathetic; but don’t be deceived, it is an attempt to draw you in, win you over, and then use any information for his own benefit. He is truly unable to consider what you feel or relate to what you are experiencing, thus he never really hears or understands you. Sadly, he will often dismiss or belittle your concerns.
3. Delegating without giving proper authority or with too many limits. The narcissistic pastor will give you a task and seems to encourage your ideas but will not give you the resources you need to fulfill it. The narcissist will micromanage you and then blame you for anything that goes wrong. You will feel controlled and invalidated. There is no room for anyone’s vision and ideas but his.
4. Having strong feelings of entitlement. Narcissistic pastors seek attention from others, and the ministry attracts narcissists – consider the stage, the attention, the adoration and the opportunity to speak for God. The narcissist believes he has unique and special talents and abilities that others do not, and he expects special treatment and accolades for his work and who he is as a pastor.
5. Feeling threatened or intimidated by other talented staff. At the core a narcissist feels shame (there’s something wrong with me) and a lack of identity (not knowing who they are). The narcissist is jealous when other staff members receive praise or do something well. He believes he must be the best and he is afraid of your success. The moment it seems you are surpassing him in some way, you become a target of his criticism. He may even use sinister ways to exalt himself and put you down, and if it doesn’t work, you may even lose your job.
6. Needing to be the best and brightest in the room. Narcissists are often charismatic, outgoing, flamboyant and engaging. All this is done so that he will be admired by others. His fragile self-image drives him to extreme actions and long work hours so that he will perform better than anyone else on staff. He is excessively tuned into the reactions of others and seeks admiration from others that will assure him he is not inadequate and insignificant. The fear of feeling these is so great that it drives him to always be the brightest and best in the room.

The “bite” of the narcissistic pastor

As a therapist, I’ve spoken with people who have experienced the “bite” of the narcissistic pastor, and I’ve heard them say things like:

• “He was very charismatic, and I felt privileged to be a part of his team. He made me feel special and he seemed interested in me and my ideas. Everything went well as long as I kept my head down and didn’t challenge his ideas.”
• “He became jealous of the compliments church members gave me. “
• “If one of his ideas failed, I was blamed for it.”
• “I would get blamed for anything that went wrong.”
• “There were times I know he said something, but he would deny saying it if it made him look bad.”
• “He would say one thing and then not long after say the opposite.”
• “He had a temper, and you would never want to be on the wrong side of him. He could tear you apart with his words.”
• “I often felt shamed, insignificant and not good enough around him.”
• “I wondered, ‘What is wrong with me?’ Later I realized it was what he was doing to me.”
• “My pastor stole money from the church and blamed another pastor under him.”
• “He always dressed well in very expensive suits, and I wondered how he could afford it when my salary never could.”
• “He was verbally abusive to me and then he told the elder board that I was verbally abusive to him.”
• “He seemed defensive. If anyone questioned him, he would stonewall them.”
• “He often criticized other pastors and churches and believed our church was far above other churches.”
• “Everyone talked about how great of a leader he was, how talented he was, and what amazing things he was doing, but they didn’t work with him.”

What to do when you are working for someone who is narcissistic

Working under someone who is narcissistic can be dramatic and traumatic. You can begin to question your reality and your own sanity. Some describe it as walking on shifting sand or eggshells, and you find yourself asking, “Am I crazy?” I want you to know, you are not crazy, and there are some things you can do:

1. 1. Practice self-care. It is stressful to work with a narcissist. You will need a plan for how you will care for yourself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
   2. Maintain your boundaries. Consider how you can create safety for yourself. Decide what you will and will not do; what you will allow and not allow and set boundaries around that. For example: Decide in your heart you will walk away when he criticizes you.
   3. Seek support. Find a friend you can trust to listen to you and encourage you. Consider meeting with a therapist who understands narcissism and can help you with the trauma you’ve experienced. DeGroat advises you to speak to a trusted leader in your denomination.
   4. Document your concerns. Make notes about every action that concerns you or devalues you or another staff member. I don’t recommend you confront the narcissist – at least not alone. He is very well prepared for any attack and will easily turn it back on you, making you look like the one in the wrong.
   5. Make a plan for your future. Evaluate if you are able to stay in the situation or if it is time to move on. Pray about it and ask God for wisdom. Then, take control of your own life and don’t wait for the person to decide for you.

If you are experiencing this, I want to tell you again, you are not crazy.  It is a form of control and abuse, and you need help to navigate it and to finding healing. I hope you will take the steps to get help and find a new and fulfilling future.

 

1 DeGroat, Chuck. When Narcissism Comes to Church: Healing Your Community from Emotional and Spiritual Abuse. Downers Grove, IL., Inter-Varsity Press, 2020.

 

Vicki Hooper is a marriage intensive therapist with Focus on the Family Canada’s Hope Restored program.

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